FLR’s (Female-led relationships) have always been interesting to us. Our preconception had been that they’re all high protocol with the female in the relationship having exclusive control over all aspects of their lives. I’ve now spoken to many couples in FLR’s and found that the level of control differs in all of them. Some would be classed as low level where the female controls only a few things, while others go all the way up to extreme level FLR’s where she takes control over everything, 24/7.
We’ve experimented ourselves starting with simple things like having slave D meet me at the door, kneel down and take my shoes off. He’s also been trained to take my coat off and hang it up, take my bag off my back and take it up to our bedroom and complete a set list of household chores throughout the week. He’s generally locked in a chastity cage, but I’m now taking more control over when he’s locked, for how long and releasing him for teasing and denial play whenever I want. Prior to this we’d usually discuss a play time plan, which would happen on a set date and time. Now, it’s more spontaneous as he’s consented to me taking more control.
I wanted to learn more about FLR’s, particularly those who include chastity in their relationship as part of their D/s dynamic. I reached out to the Modern Wife and, along with her hubby, they very graciously agreed to be interviewed. Their account on social media, @wife_modern on X, offers a wonderful insight into their relationship and I’d strongly encourage you to go and follow them.
Slave D and I came up with a list of questions before our chat to find out what a high level FLR looks like, how it came to be and some advice for anyone who’s interested in entering into this type of female-led relationship.
Both of us are in our early 40s. Hubby is a builder who's lived and worked in the UK his whole life. I (Modern Wife) lived abroad for a lot of my adult life managing bars in Spain, returning to the UK only once in a while. We were lucky to meet by chance in a pub beer garden, during one of these visits, in the summer of 2018. I saw him, I saw him see me, and we both knew that we wanted each other.
Question for TheModernWife - Have you always been dominant? When and how did you realise that you’re dominant?
In my head, yes, I have, but I always had to put it a little at the back of my mind. I'd long fantasised of leading a man to a barn, stringing him up, and giving him a good whipping, it's just never been the done thing. Until now.
Question for Hubby - Have you always been submissive? When/how did you realise that you’re submissive?
Absolutely not. I hadn't even realised that it was a thing until I met TheModernWife. Outside our relationship, I'm extremely confident and put a lot of thought into my decisions. Inside our relationship, I have to think far less as I'm so focused on her.
Slave D is exactly the same. He’s very confident and decisive doing work for House of Denial but enjoys relinquishing control in our relationship. Is this something that you also enjoy?
Yes, and at a guess, I'd say I’m very similar. I'm very confident, for a start, in everything I do, to the extent that I'm often asked to make more decisions, outside our relationship than I'd rather have to make. It's preferable to me that TheModernWife makes decisions, and much more so when it involves putting her own happiness first.
What’s the biggest difference between a “traditional” relationship and an FLR?
For ourselves, the most noticeable benefits are:
- Transparency - we talk a hell of a lot, and both always know that both are happy.
- Trust - the level of confidence we have in each other is unprecedented in both our lives.
- Pride - both of us are exceptionally proud to have each other, and our different roles encourage the pair of us to be better versions of ourselves.
These things, and many others, are, for us, the most noticeable difference between what we have now and anything that either of us have known in the past.
Some people would say that these are qualities that make any relationship a successful one. Was it your own experience that these qualities were lacking in previous relationships that you’ve been in? And has your FLR encouraged you both to be more transparent and trusting than you were in previous relationships?
In hindsight, yes, although neither of us could have been aware at the time. It's only from the experience that we've gained from our current dynamic that we're able to realise how much these qualities were lacking in previous relationships. Our own FLR has absolutely helped us both to be more trusting and transparent. The two of us owe a lot of our happiness together to BDSM and the trust that has to be necessary for it to work.
Is FLR inherently BDSM? (Could your FLR exist without BDSM?)
I think it's perfectly possible that a different couple could enjoy a happy FLR without BDSM, yes. Male led relationships are the default for some, with BDSM absent, so a reversal of roles would be easy to imagine. For ourselves, however, absolutely not. We're both far too kinky for that, and far too accustomed to it.
What are some common misconceptions about female led relationships?
From our experience, the most common is men who've watched kinky videos and think that's all an FLR entails. We do post a lot of the said "kinky videos", but also respond to the viewers' messages. I often have to point out that behind every happy female led relationship is….a relationship.
Who introduced the idea of an FLR to you? Or which one of you introduced the idea to the other?
I'd dwelled for years on how amazing it would be to be in complete control. To own a man, one who was completely devoted to me. To push his limits and test the endurance of his dedication. To know beyond all doubt that this man has made me his life. This is why denial and spanking are such big and important parts of our marriage.
What did you want from your FLR before you started? And has anything changed or evolved since then?
Neither of us had even heard of the term "FLR", when we met. Our relationship, in its entirety, evolved over time and did so naturally, but the term FLR wasn't mentioned by either of us until much more recently. With TheModernWife's deep-seated desire to dominate, and Hubby's overwhelming desire to please, we even look at ourselves, with hindsight, and know that it was more than likely inevitable.
How long have you been in your FLR?
Hubby was very vanilla to begin with, although extremely liberal and open-minded. We explored kink together, though, from day 1. It was a fresh start for the both of us, but I always harboured a desire to call ALL the shots. I didn't make any kind of secret of this, and he has a huge natural desire to please me.
FLR’s are generally categorised with the following levels:
- Low control
- Moderate control
- Defined control
- Extreme control
Which one would you class yourselves in? And did you know about these levels and discuss them before entering into an FLR? (Honestly, I had no idea that these existed before I started to research FLRs and actually don’t agree with some of them, but that’s another article for another day.)
As a multiple choice question, I'd have to pick extreme dominance/control. Although I let hubby think for himself, for the most part, I spank him as a routine…. I don't let any power go to his head.
What areas of your relationship does TheModernWife control? Is it household chores, financial decisions, social arrangements and sex? If there are others, please let us know what.
Luckily for us both, we tend to agree on almost everything financial or chore related. We both do as much as we can, and any financial decisions are really just made based on logic and reason. When it comes to sex, though, I, TheModernWife, make the decisions, and I like to be in complete control. Socially, too, I'm often in control. Hubby is more than welcome to plan something, and take me out, and I often do vice versa. I'll have a meal or a few drinks with my girlfriends from time to time, but I'm not the socialite I was in my younger days. The only hard and fast rule is that Hubby doesn't socialise without me, ever.
What do you enjoy most about being in an FLR?
For both of us, the only answer to this is being in a relationship with each other. Neither of us has ever been happier, and the relationship being female-led has just happened to be the best way for it to work.
What’s your favourite kink that features in your FLR?
I'd find it really difficult to choose between chastity and spanking. I just couldn't pick one. I like to fall asleep in his arms, feel his chastity cage pressed against me, know his cheeks are stinging, and think: "I own him."
Do you have a written contract or set of rules? Or are the rules in your relationship verbally agreed? How often do you check in or discuss your rules?
We don't have any kind of written contract, no. Everything we do has developed over time, and I'm still finding new ways to enjoy myself through dominating him. We know each other extremely well and spend all of our time together talking.
TheModernWife - How do you deal with disciplinary issues?
There really aren't any to deal with, to be honest. I'm asked quite often on Twitter: "What's he being punished for?", and the answer is always: "I spank him because I enjoy it." It's quite possible that these regular spankings may "improve" his behaviour, but I don't actually know. What I do know though is that I've got no intention of stopping. I'm a little bit obsessed with spanking him, and with keeping him in strict chastity, and it works for us. I get to see almost daily what he'll take for me and how devoted he is.
Chastity is present in a lot of the content that you post on your social media. When did you introduce chastity into your FLR? Why? And what benefit(s) (and/or challenges) have you found from using a chastity cage in your FLR?
I've always had a kink for denial. To have a man want me more than anything, but to always say no, just because I can, is a huge turn-on for me. I didn't know chastity cages were a thing until around five years ago, but as soon as I saw one, I knew I had to have one. It's a huge reinforcement of my dominance to have taken his manhood away, and it helps him to focus all his skills on pleasing me alone.
How long is Hubby usually locked in chastity? If it’s for multiple days at a time, does he sleep in his cage? Any advice that you can offer for people looking to wear a chastity cage short or long term (based on how long he’d usually wear one) would be great. If/when he’s unlocked for cleaning, is this supervised?
Literally the only time his current cage is removed is for airport security, as it's stainless steel. In the past, I've allowed him to fly uncaged, but I've always had him lock up immediately on arrival at the hotel. Being a fairly open design, it's much easier to keep clean than some we'd tried previously, and I'm well aware that he can pull out of it in the shower to shave, although I don’t mention this on Twitter. I don't like to say never to anything, but he'll wear it for me indefinitely. I currently don't have any intentions of removing the cage for anything that can easily be avoided.
Question for you both - Do you get burned out (mentally and/or physically)? If yes, how do you deal with that?
Absolutely, yes. Not with our relationship, but more so with the challenges of life in general. We tend to have holidays quite regularly, which helps us to relax and reset. We'll spend good quality time together and avoid our phones completely.
Are there any drawbacks of a Female-Led Relationship?
For ourselves there are none. We wouldn't change a thing, and neither of us have ever been happier.
Are you open about your FLR with friends and/or family?
If anybody asks anything specifically, then we both have a tendency to be honest. We never bring it up to anybody, though.
Do you see FLR’s becoming more common in the future? If yes, why?
We'd have to say a hopeful yes to this. As women become more empowered, and societies increasingly liberal, as relationships are formed increasingly based on the happiness of the parties involved rather than millennia old traditions, it's hard to imagine that more of each sex wouldn't start to see merit in an FLR.
If someone’s interested in entering into an FLR what advice would you give them based on your experience?
Take it slowly and let it develop over time. Talk about it along the way, and don't let it become confused in your head with videos you've seen on the internet. You can't walk into an FLR overnight. This will more than likely end up as a failure or as a Mistress/slave dynamic with no love involved.
A huge thank you to the Modern Wife and Hubby for answering our questions. I love to learn from others and hope you all enjoyed reading about their FLR.
I’ve spoken to many submissives who have expressed a strong desire to enter into an FLR, but haven’t yet met the right partner. Have you ever tried a female-led relationship or would you like to be in one?
I think the advice offered by the Modern Wife during our chat was really important to take note of. You don’t have to go straight into a 24/7/365 high protocol FLR immediately. Start slowly, communicate regularly and add different things into your relationship until you find your level. That’s not to say that you can’t start with aspects of BDSM from the very beginning. Far from it.
In a similar way to the Modern Wife, I also use chastity in our D/s dynamic to assert control over Slave D. It’s a very powerful tool in my kink armoury and I make sure that he’s locked in his chastity cage when I want all of his focus on me. That’s not to say that he’s locked all the time. I like to take him out of the cage to tease and deny him as I get great enjoyment seeing the frustration build on his face. If you’re interested in introducing chastity into your own relationship the best place to start is by taking the correct measurements. We’ve written a full chastity cage and back ring measurements guide that will help to get you started.
If you’d like to see more of their content (they post uncensored videos of their play regularly) you can find all of that on the Modern Wife LoyalFans account.
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